What do I want to be when I grow up?

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon, when you comin’ home son? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son, you know we’ll have a good time then. 

Harry Chapin

Do as I say-- not as I do (or did)

Why is it that our parenting years tend to overlap with the period of our most intense career development? Seems like some sort of cosmic joke on humanity that we have the hearts and minds of our littlest and most vulnerable members in our hands just when we have the least amount of time to focus on their needs.

Of course, we do the best we can and hopefully succeed in nurturing our kids so they grow up reasonably happy and productive. God knows, they must be pretty resilient creatures to have survived all the time-shuffling and reprioritizing that we as parents put them through. Yet, how many older people have you met who attest to the fact that they are much better grandparents than they were as parents? Removed from their demanding careers, they spend unhurried and undistracted time with their grandkids, providing them with role models to cherish throughout their lives.

And don’t we as parents envy them this special time with our kids? 

Maybe this is much on my mind this month as my 26-year old son, David, is home while studying for the Bar. I see him every day, have dinner together most every night, and revel in our private talks which are reluctantly ended because of something on his schedule, not mine.

During our research for Changing Lanes, Susan and I met with dozens of boomers who had shifted their priorities in order to spend more time with their families. Oftentimes the phrase “before it’s too late” was expressed as the impetus for making a bold change.  Some moved to smaller communities. Others started businesses which afforded more control of their time. And several made their lane changes to spend more quality time with their spouses, when kids were no longer part of the equation.

As our kids mature and look to us as their role models for setting their own priorities, what lessons will they take away from observing how we navigated our way? What advice can we give them?

This brief story may inspire you as it did us. It is from Paul Reilly, the Chairman and former CEO of Korn/Ferry International, who was generous enough to write the Foreword to our book.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

This is a question that we seem to answer with different degrees of difficulty during our lives.  As young children, the answer comes easy; a fireman, a policeman, a vet or an astronaut.  Some of us wanted to be president.  We feel free to change our avocation anytime, an actor this week or a doctor next week.

As teenagers, the question seems ridiculous and irrelevant as everything our parents ask us.  Then we become young adults and the question becomes a burden for many of us.  In college we think we should know the answer and feel inadequate we don’t.  These feelings are compounded by our few friends that always have known that they wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or ship off to Africa to save the world.

Most of us resolve the delimena by graduating and taking a job that seems to be the best opportunity at the time. We enjoy the challenges and through a hard work and focus, we get promoted and grow. Then through what is best can be described as a series of accidents, we get offered opportunities within our companies or outside that seem challenging and we take them. At some point, we plan to retire and hope that the question never has to be faced again.

When my dear friend, Jane, asked me to read a draft of Changing Lanes to ask what I thought, I started reading a script for a friend.  I ended up stopping and asking myself the questions posed in the book. I realized that I was traveling full speed down the freeway without looking what I was driving by. I asked myself what I wanted to always do and how did I want my final chapters to read. 

Professionally, I loved my organization and what we have built and the opportunities that still lie ahead. However, upon reflection I realized that I was caught up in the power and positioning of being a CEO.  I stopped and asked myself what was really important to me. The answer was clear; family, helping others and professionally working with companies and people. A public company CEO job had too much other stuff attached to it and occupied too much of my time in areas that were not my passion. So I migrated my job to Chairman and am helping my successor as a new CEO.  The gratification has been instantaneous and extremely positive on my personal and business relationships. My journey is not over but I spending a little time out of the fast lane allowed me to get more focused and emerge fully energized.

It has also allowed me to be a better father and advisor to my friends. 

My daughter recently graduated from the University of Notre Dame and was headed to law school. She is a bright and well grounded young woman (she takes after her mother.) I recall her senior year when we were having dinner and she said, “Dad, I am not sure I want to a lawyer.”  My response was easy, “well what have you always wanted to do (I left the ‘when you grow up’ part out)?”  Her reply was quick and simple, “teach.”  Today she is teaching inner city high math in the Baltimore public school system and loves her job. I often think how many of us thought about these choices and never made them.

Her parents both driven professionals and she choose her own path. I am so proud of her. It is not too late for any of us to do the same.

Paul’s advice is a tonic for all of us who wish to me better parents and role models. And you don’t have to retire to make it happen. Rather, “take the time for a few hours and get out of the fast lane.  You may end up on a whole new freeway, or take a small detour and just merge back into the fast lane with more energy and vigor.  Either way, your life will be richer.”

For more ideas about midlife renewal, pick up our book, Changing Lanes (Radom Press, 2008). 

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