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There’s three sides to every story, yours, mine, and the cold hard truth.

Don Henley

Dump the Duty Demon

Posted by: Jane Jelenko | Posted in: Being creative, Living Intentionally, Never too Old, Summoning the Courage, Jane's Musings
Monday, November 24, 2008

Do you want to dance and hold my hand? Tell me baby I’m your lover man. Oh baby do you want to dance? Do you want to dance under the moonlight? Hold me baby all through the night. Oh baby do you want to dance?

Bobby Freeman

You changed my life!

Are you the “responsible one” in your family? The one everyone counts on to drop everything and do what’s needed for an ailing parent or child. The one who was expected to “be good”, study hard, work harder, and be there for everyone else?

Chances are, this family role spilled over into your work life. Everyone knows they can depend on you to cancel your golf/spa weekend or miss an evening class so that your project comes in on time and on budget. Likewise, your colleagues in the community rely on you to raise the money for the cause and run the meetings. Sure they do this because you’re good at it, but also because they know you’ll get it done, and work like hell to do it well.

Do you sometimes wish you could drop that role and do something a little crazy for a change? Something strictly for your own growth and development as a human being? If you’re considering a lane change to a more authentic life for yourself, you’re going to need to find a way to silence the Duty Demon —your internal voice that prevents you from seeking personal fulfillment.

We’re not advocating that you shirk your obligations to family or coworkers. Just that you raise the priority you give to your dreams.

Here’s a story about a change artist who did just that.

It’s a wonderful story about a woman who grew up listening to a consistent message from her parents to be a good girl, to be productive and to excel. This is a familiar voice to a lot of us—the powerful Duty Demon. But Janice confronted this voice and discovered a more authentic path for her life.

I met a wonderful couple, Janice and Stan Sussman, on the trip I took to Israel last Spring with the American Technion Society. I bonded with Janice instantly when she told me she had written a book of poetry inspired by her trip to Poland with her daughter the year before. I had just visited Poland on a family roots tour and was still reeling from the experience. When I shared with Janice that Susan and I had written a book called Changing Lanes: Road Maps to Midlife Renewal, she promised to run right out and get it as soon as she returned home.

I naturally assumed she was just being polite, so I was quite taken aback when I received an email from Janice with this ecstatic message: “You’ve changed my life!”

Flattery will buy you a lot of my time, so I urged her to tell me all about her transformation which our book had apparently inspired.

Janice describes herself as an adventurous person who has always been on a “quest.” All her life, she has strived to achieve, to be productive, and to make her family proud. She and her husband, Stan, split their time between Connecticut and Boca Raton and were very active in both communities. A partial list of Janice’s community commitments serves to illustrate how driven she was to make a difference in the world: University of New Haven Board of Governors, President of Boys and Girls Village for children in crisis, Guardian of American Technion Society and many other Jewish causes. In addition to these activities, she is an active grandmother, an online business owner and a sometime poet. I had to scramble to keep up my notes as I spoke with her about all that she was doing for others. But all of this seemed natural to Janice. It was, in fact, her duty.

Nevertheless, she felt restless. Somewhere along the way, she had lost a sense of herself and was searching for a means of expression that spoke to her soul. After meeting me in Israel, she thought that reading Changing Lanes might give her some direction for her quest. Sure enough, the book (especially the chapter on the Duty Demon) helped to open her up to new possibilities. Her own words portray her thinking best: “I realized that my parents were dead and I don’t have to be a good girl anymore,” she said.

A household move from Connecticut to Rye Brook, N.Y. provided the opportunity to break out of her old routines. Since she didn’t know anyone in her new town, she called up the local Arthur Murray Dance Studio, so that at least she could get some exercise while indulging in an activity she has always loved—dancing.

She didn’t expect to fall in love.

Ballroom dancing has become her passion. It is like an addiction. Look, “someone holds out his hand to you and says, ‘shall we dance?’ It makes you feel good.” It is a graceful, gracious activity and has broadened her horizons immeasurably.

Though she only began taking lessons in July, she is already participating in international competitions with her instructor. She describes her first foray into the spotlight at the Caribbean Dance Sport Classic in Puerto Rico this way:

“I was among 750 contestants from all over the world. My dance instructor, Mario Moreta, was my fabulous partner. We competing in 7 dances before an audience of about 1,000 people. Everyone was having the best time. In fact one woman said she had been on anti-depressants for 25 years, and was now completely off because she was feeling so good. I had two costumes, one for Latin and one for the Smooth dances. I had them made for me by a Russian couple in Ardsley, New York--I found them online and they’ve been my performance mentors ever since. It took me two weeks to get the courage to wear the Latin one to dress rehearsal.

We reported for make-up and hair styling at 5:00 AM to get that Latin slicked-back look. I felt like a different person and danced till 8 at night. Then the pros took over and competed till 1 in the morning before a filled and exuberant ballroom.

The music carried me away. It touched my soul and I never got tired.”

Janice won the top student award and proudly returned home with a pin and a certificate. Stan greeted her great excitement and a bouquet of flowers. His wife is a changed person; as she says, “I feel 1000% different. I’m willing to open myself up and be vulnerable. I dress differently, move differently—I’m on a different path.”

“And Changing Lanes got me started.”

How great is that?

One of our key messages in Changing Lanes, is to give yourself the time, energy and permission to seek a more satisfying life. Janice is the perfect role model for doing just that.

Do you have a story about the challenging task of dumping the duty demon so you can get on with a more meaningful and authentic life? We and our readers would love to hear from you.

Comments

this is so great- i love it and i love to dance.

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Bravo to Janice for her dedication to change and Bravo to Jane for being the conduit towards that change. I just love this story and the inspiration it gives me. Aviva

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